Just when I thought Miss Ball had reached the limits of mash-ups, the brilliant Mr. Luxton put the opening of Pride and Prejudice through an online pirate translator, thus exploring strange new worlds where writers need never go, because they’ve been replaced by Perl scripts. Well, he is a programmer. (And he’s probably about to tell me they aren’t Perl scripts, but never mind.) Behold the future!
IT be a truth universally acknowledged, that a single scallywag in possession o’ a good loot must be in wants o’ a beauty.
However wee known th’ feelin’s or views o’ such a scallywag may be on his first boardin’ a neighbourhood, this truth be so well fixed in th’ minds o’ th’ surroundin’ families, that he be considered as th’ rightful property o’ some one or other o’ thar daughters.
“Me dear Cap’n Bennet,” said his beauty t’ ‘im one day, “’ave ye heard that Netherfield Park be let at last?”
Cap’n Bennet replied that he had nah.
“But ’tis,” returned she; “fer Wench Long has jus’ been here, ‘n she told me all about it.”
Cap’n Bennet made no answer.
“Do nah ye wants t’ know who has taken it?” cried his beauty impatiently.
“Ye wants t’ tell me, ‘n I ‘ave no objection t’ hearin’ it.”
This was invitation enough.
“Why, me dear, ye must know, Wench Long says that Netherfield be taken by a young scallywag o’ large loot from th’ north o’ England; that he came down on Monday in a chaise ‘n four t’ see th’ ship, ‘n was so much delighted wit’ it that he agreed wit’ Cap’n Morris immediately; that he be t’ loot possession afore Michaelmas, ‘n some o’ his servants are t’ be in th’ ship by th’ end o’ next week.”
“Wha’ be his name?”
“Be he married or single?”
“Oh! single, me dear, t’ be sure! A single scallywag o’ large booty; four or five thousand a year. Wha’ a fine thin’ fer our poppets!”
With all the different translation software out there, I feel sure we could sell new versions of poor Jane’s work in no time flat! How about a Pig Latin translation?
Itway isway away uthtray universallyway acknowledgedway atthay away inglesay anmay inway ossessionpay ofway away oodgay ortunefay ustmay ebay inway antway ofway away ifeway.
Or Swedish Chef?
It is a troot uneeferselly ecknooledged thet a seengle-a mun in pussesseeun ooff a guud furtoone-a moost be-a in vunt ooff a veeffe.
It be a trud universally acknowledged dat some sin’le joker in possession uh a baaaad fo’tune gots’ta be in wants’ uh a mama.
There now, children, you can have all the fun you want, and let mama get back to her book. Bring us back a souvenir from the Piratical Jane theme park, and say thank you to the gentleman. He makes your life better in ways you never even dream of. Trust me on this.