Come one, come all, to the Jane Austen Fight Club, where the very best fr
om Jane’s world and the very best from everywhere else match wits and fists for all to see! The prizes: pride, honor, and the adoration of Jane fans everywhere, or a “The first rule of fight club is, we don’t talk about Mr. Darcy” t-shirt and possibly some Regency medical care for all your combat-induced wound-care needs!
Today’s contestants: Fitzwilliam “Pride” Darcy, hunter and shaker-downer of skeevy statutory rapists, and Peeta “I Like Frosting” Mellark, two-time Hunger Games survivor, mentally unstable torture victim, and baker extraordinaire! They’re nice guys with burning crushes…but who will scorch whom?
In their corners:
Darcy may LOOK like a nice man, but don’t get him wrong: he’s got a temper, a sword, and probably a dueling pistol or two. See how he barged in on Wickham and bent him to his will? YEAH. And as Mrs. Fitzpatrick put it, “there’s also his superpower of freezing disdain.” It’s gotta be the de Bourgh blood, right?
Peeta’s young, but he’s been through a lot and picked up a few skills along the way—he’s strong, he’s loyal, he knows how to hide, and late-night hosts everywhere dig him. Hey, (spoiler alert) he LIVED and he got the girl, didn’t he? Gotta give the boy props for that. He also pipes a mean flower.
Handicaps:
Darcy’s only handicap may be his generally impeccable sense of reserve (saying rude things aloud at parties notwithstanding): he could kick your tail, but would he? Would he really?
Peeta…well. When Peeta’s on, he’s ON. When Peeta’s not on, he’s…kind of a moron. He’s noisy in the forest! He would totally have eaten those lethal berries! Really, he’d rather hide in the mud for like two weeks than experience your aggro. Let’s be honest.
Decision:
Darcy, hands down—he’s got the temper and the gun. Quick, Peeta, paint yourself onto a tree!
Anybody willing to take odds on calling off the fight and having a cup of tea, however, might also be handsomely rewarded.
Come one, come all, to the Jane Austen Fight Club, where the very best from Jane’s world and the very best from everywhere else match wits and fists for all to see! The prizes: pride, honor, and the adoration of Jane fans everywhere, or a “The first rule of fight club is, we don’t talk about Mr. Darcy” t-shirt and possibly some Regency medical care for all your combat-induced wound-care needs!
Today’s contestants: Elizabeth “Fine Eyes” Bennet, who’s spunky and sparky and holds a grudge like nobody’s business, and Katniss “I’m Super Scary” Everdeen, who will shoot you in the heart. Literally. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR, PEOPLE.
In their corners:
Lizzy’s a smart cookie with a dirty hem, a healthy cardiovascular system (who knew Jane was so into running?), and, for all we know, a collection of survival books at the ready. Some say she battles the undead, but that’s ridiculous.
Katniss is an accidental teenage revolutionary who caused, directly or indirectly, the violent demises of a number of her competitors during a life-or-death gladiatorial reality show, then brought the oppressive government of her people to its knees. So there’s that.
Handicaps:
Lizzy may have a sharp tongue, but that’s about it. Maybe she could sic her mother on Katniss, if Mrs. Bennet stopped talking long enough to hear her? Otherwise, she’ll have to make a run for it, and whatever shoes she has are likely not Capitol-approved.
Katniss has a keen sense of guilt and an occasional tendency to make poor decisions; if Lizzy can make her do something stupid (probably by posing as an authority figure), then make her feel super bad about it, she might have a chance.
Decision:
You guys, it’s a fight. What’s Lizzy going to do, fend danger off with an embroidery needle? Miss “Arrow in the eye” wins it. She’s probably pretty haunted about it, though, if it makes you feel any better.
Next week: Fitzwilliam “The Gentleman” Darcy goes to the mats against Peeta “Frosting Stud” Mellark! Only on an Austen blog near you!
